The Anxiety Coaster

I love roller coasters. I love the feelings that go soaring through me on the long haul to the top, fully knowing that the free fall coming is going to be the best thrill of the day! There are so many emotions from the time the people in front me get on and I know, the next car is mine! I love hearing the screams as that car hits the top and starts its drop, still jealous that those people were in line first, knowing full well that they stood in the 40 minute line just as long as I had... I'm the front of the coaster lover... mostly because I'm a control freak and I like to see what's coming next, but I also hate that about myself the moment I sit in the seat because if anyone dies, it's going to be me. I'm excited for the ride and nervous all at the same time. I've never really understood the nervous feeling, except that I had a bunch of friends who told me horror stories about roller coasters and I always have that irrational "hundreds of people have been on this coaster today but what if WE die?" thought in the back of my head. I grew up in South Jersey, which is perfect driving distance to all of the best theme parks in the North East so I have basically been on every roller coaster that's worth riding. What you don't know is, I get really bad motion sickness. I have never thrown up from it. BUT I get very dizzy, weak, tired and will fall asleep almost immediately if I'm the passenger in a car. After 2 or 3 rollercoasters I normally have a pounding headache, I'm dizzy, the sun the heat, dehydration and the lack of proper nutrition during a day of junk food has me feeling like I might actually vomit, and I end up sitting near a mist machine with my head on my knees until it feels like my body has stopped spinning. I put myself through this every single time I go to an amusement park and I do not care because it is totally worth the free fall. 

The reason rollercoasters are so thrilling is that the ride is only a minute or 2 long... and once it's over, it's over and I usually want to do it again! My anxiety is not as easily released... The incline can take months... I'll feel great about getting back into an old hobby, or adding something new to my routine, or spending quality time with people I rarely see. And then there's a day that I eat poorly... move up 2 tracks. Or I miss a gym date with a friend... move up a track. I spend a lot of time at work doing a lot of things, but nothing I was supposed to do that day... 3 more tracks. I can't afford to pay a bill. I forget to stop and pick up food for Stella. My grandmother has texted me to spend time together 3 times this week, even though I just saw her on Sunday. There are a few things on my to do list that I can just never seem to get to. I have a deadline that just seems impossible... and suddenly my life feels as though it is spinning off the tracks and I'm not sure how to get it back under control.

I feel the incline, everyday. I can give you a scale of where my anxiety stands and where I perceive it to be by the end of the day. I think that I am too aware of it sometimes, I can feel it rising in my chest over something as small as another email being added to my to do list. There was a time in my life that these were very true feelings but I had no idea what they were. I've suffered with anxiety issues the majority of my life but never had any clue that it was anxiety. I just thought, "everyone feels this way, this is normal"... Until I was almost 21, my mom passed away. I then learned really quickly why I did so many things that I did. I have a very structured mind and I keep myself on the high end of that incline because I function so well there. Right on the verge of "I want to drop everything and hide under my bed with a book" AND "This is the coolest thing ever that I'm doing right now, don't blink or you'll miss it" or "Crazy Town" as my boss likes to call it. It is an exhausting place for someone who is much more of an introvert than the extroverted piece of my life leads people to believe.

The spinning out of control feeling does not happen nearly as often as I believe it does. For me it's really about talking myself down from it. Reminding myself that I am capable and that it is okay if I screw something up. My anxiety is bred in failure. The expectations I perceive are upon me are incredibly higher then the expectations that are upon me. What is worse is that for me failure is tightly tied to independence, finances, health, spirituality, social life, and intelligence. Being a college graduate who has a salaried position, works more hours then I should, and takes every babysitting job I can get and can't keep up with my bills makes me feel like a failure. The financial piece of failure for me is the worst. It hinders all of the other areas of my life, and has me climbing the incline even when I'm not consciously aware of it.

The truth is, it doesn't matter how much of a failure I feel like some days. My perception of it is usually not reality. I always make it through the ride (luckily without the motion sickness) and want to get right back in the line, excited to do it again.


3 "wins" for my anxiety:


1. I am a pacer. when I was younger I would have to pace, walk, or drive 1-2 hours to be relaxed enough to call it a night. Stella helped me with this! I still do longer walks at night but I do not feel like I "need" to go for a certain amount of time before I can sit and relax or go to bed.
2. I used to brush my teeth 7 times a day. I brush my teeth twice now, three times once in a while,
3. I can show up late. It still shoots my anxiety through the roof, but I no longer feel as though the world is going to shut on me if I'm running behind or I'm stuck in traffic. I'm even okay with being a few minutes late on purpose once in a while!


Does anything give you the anxiety coaster?


What are your "wins" today?