I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. but really Amy, you're female and a blogger... you always do a lot of thinking. Yes, I know that but lately there's no organization to it... I'm OCD.. I like plans and predictability... you can't plan everything. This is why my friends think I'm crazy. I live in my head a little too much, I spend just a little too much time alone, is that what's wrong with you?... I'm a social person, but not really in a "let's get wasted every night" kind of way. Why not? I'm more of a "let's play volleyball" type of social person. I like volleyball... I want to do more than spend. And hobbies cost money, I'd much rather spend a hundred on a half marathon or a couple of smaller races than on one day of drinking. Or I'd rather spend a hundred on making dinner for all of my friends than go out to dinner and spend that on just me. I wish none of it had to cost money and we could all do everything all of the time, wouldn't that be nice? Right now I'm kind of at a cross roads... This is the first time in ages I'm not paying for school, I'm not in school, and I'm not yet paying off my student loans (hopefully July will be slow coming). It's a little bit of unmarked territory for me. I've never felt this freedom before... and the thing is, I have so many rules for my life that I still don't feel "free". I want a job, or at least an interview by the end of this month... I want to get my life straightened out, my car straightened out, I want to keep my apartment clean like the little homemaker I am, I want to keep up with my running, hot yoga, get back in to climbing, and not be at the restaurant anymore. There's so many wants that I'm not really sure where to start. I get myself worked up over nothing, over things I have no control over. Deep breaths. How do I fit all of the "fun" into my life that I've never really had the chance to explore, if I'm so worried about what I'm "supposed" to be doing, or what I "should" be doing?? It's overwhelming to be in my head, truly. I'm good at what I do, but I hate it. If I don't find something else soon, is it worth me leaving for a little peace of mind? How long can I hold out if I decide to stay and how tight are finances going to be either way when July rolls around? I wish I can plan out my life by the year, I also wish I got paychecks, it would make it easier to plan spending/bills/ hobbies/ car stuff/ savings. Does anybody else suffer from this chronic overthinking? No, we sleep at night. Sometimes I wonder where to start when I'm overwhelmed by life... Is it like chores or school? Tackle the hard stuff first, so the end will be smooth? Get the easy stuff out of the way, then push hard? This is kind of when I wish I had a parental figure around, although, I've never really had that, so I'd probably just rebel anyway, but it would be nice as an option. I was thinking about that the other day... Certain family members of mine try to take parental style roles in my life, but they're terrible at it. I'm sorry, I don't call you to get my weekly to-do list, I don't know if you've noticed but I've been taking care of myself since was 8, my to-do list is updated daily. Thank you though. It's also strange to "check-in". My aunt that lives in Charlotte, gets seriously offended when things happen and she's not told about it... Like me going to church on Sunday nights (which I've done every chance I get... since I lived at home and went to church with my grandfather) crazy. Mhmm, I can't handed it. And now that one of my favorite aunts no longer lives in Charlotte, my gram expects to talk basically everyday. I can't handle that either. I know she just wants to talk and "know that I'm okay", but seriously... I've had the same job for almost 5 years now, my dog is 3, we see each other once every 2 weeks, if I had a new job you'd know it... there's nothing new in my life. If there were, she'd be the first one to know since she's the closest, I don't have anything to talk about... She's just your sweet gram who's worried about you. She is sweet and I love her and I see her at least once every 2 weeks, but there's 2 things that drive me crazy. "Are you ok?" text messages/ "what's new?" weekly conversation... yes I'm the same as I was yesterday when you asked me. And the "don't do all this for me, I won't be around much longer to enjoy it" mindset. Lady, you are not going to take a little black pill, stop pouting. If you were "putting me out" I wouldn't be here would I? Amy, you're being mean. Nope. I'm being honest. That state of mind is called depression. It's a nasty little friend of the devil, and we all get a friendly taste of it once in a while. There are a few times a year that I actually have to drag myself out of my bedroom because I feel this way, my mother suffered from it terribly, and I have some friends who struggle much more than the average Joe... The average Joe probably does have some depression issues... and self-loathing... he's just average after all. Now you're the one being mean. We all know what it's like to spend a little too much time in the dark and twisty area of our minds. I just wish you could train other people's minds to stop thinking that way. Like my gram for instance. It depresses me, and it makes me not want to be around her. I just want to be blunt with her. Not so easy though, I would get the silent treatment for ages. There's this lady at work right now who reminds me of my step mom and that makes me want to go home for a visit. I'm not going though until I have a steady paycheck. Motivation to keep trying? Yes it is. And I'm taking a 2 day hiatus from Charlotte in a couple weeks, it's for a race, but I'm really excited. I need a break and it'll be nice to clear my head. Isn't that what you're doing now? Oh hush. This is going to be the start of a NO-TV-WEEK!! (don't worry, I won't give up my blog) I just have lots of plans for the week, and I need to focus. But for now, I need to sleep. Night!
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