Sometimes, my head gets so full of the things I'm working on, wanting to work on, thinking about working on, where I'm going, who I haven't seen or heard from, who I have, what's on the to do list, what's going on the to do list next... that I forget we are in a moment now and I can accept where I am in this moment.
I was raised to always be in forward motion. There's always a way I can be better, stronger, smarter, I should have new challenges every day, I should not accept failure, I should reach for the stars, and I should take a running start to the next one when I make it. And honestly, I live this way the best I can. But sometimes, it is exhausting.
I take the views my family has placed on my life very literally, and it makes me look judgmental and too serious and almost stuck-up. I don't try to be, and if you witnessed my family dynamic you would probably laugh pretty hard about why I take these views so seriously, I just always have. I'm a rule follower and in my house college was not an option for me, education was the single most important thing I could ever do for myself. Knowing God was the key to living a fulfilled life, knowing my way around a kitchen was in my blood, helping anyone and everyone who needs it in anyway that I can was where the good in the world is held. They're not bad values, but in my literal mind, they are law. My grandmothers always have interesting things to say about only having one life... why waste any day, why put bad into your body, why not always give it %110... there are so many more but you get the point. Always do your best, always be working on something, and don't participate in activities you know could be harmful to your body/ self/ career/ etc. If anyone ever wonders why I was an adult in that way long before I ever entered middle school, its because of these views. And when my forward motion gets snagged (like when it takes me 6 1/2 years to gradate with my undergrad) I absolutely panic. I can feel the judgment pouring through the silence and it kills me because I always want to do what's right and my best.
When I accepted a job offer last week, I felt like the judgment might be coming. First, I'm actually going in reverse... I'm going back to the first place I worked in Charlotte. Second, I didn't get the job I applied for, they gave it to someone more qualified. But they hired me. I don't have a job title, job description, or any idea what I will be doing but I'm hired. And the fact that I'm basically about to have a position created for me has me bouncing off the walls with excitement. I can't leave the restaurant yet, but I know this will be a good start to something great. But I was nervous to tell my family. Luckily, other then a little bit of skepticism, everyone was just as excited as I was, which was a huge relief. But now my wheels have been turning nonstop for a week or more and I need to relax.
I was working on all the life-signing-away that always happens when you get new anything, and I couldn't stop thinking about the next step. What?! Seriously Amy, get through your first week. Or your first day how bout? Before you start moving up the totem pole.
So my step back is to enjoy these first couple of weeks. I will have some freedoms I have never had for as long as I've worked in the restaurant world: weekends to myself (for the most part). I will also, for the first time in a long time, be receiving a paycheck: direct deposit. This is going to be a huge transition for me. I will still have Thursday nights for myself and Saturday mornings to race and volunteer. And I'm keeping 4 dinners a week at the restaurant. So I'll be working about 60 hours a week, I'm going to have more freedom then I have in ages, I'm going back to a company I love where there will be lots of opportunity for me to grow and become who I want to be, and I will have an awesome team by my side (that's not just speculation, I've worked with these people) and I may even be able to sneak away for a trip home sooner rather then later. So for this first month (I start Monday), I will not be constantly thinking about tomorrow and what's next, but today and today's current project. Life is wonderful in this moment and I've worked really hard for it and now I need to just enjoy it.
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